By Sr Teresa Hayward (RN, RM, Lactation consultant, Infant & Paediatric Nutritionist, Baby Sleep Consultant)
Often once a baby is born, dads are unsure of how to help mom. It often seems to them as if all baby wants and needs is mom and her breasts. Dads can easily become overwhelmed and feel helpless. They don’t know how they can pitch in and help mom and baby. The important things that moms need to remember is that dads can’t read their minds, so often need to be told what she needs.
Here is a list of things that dads can do when they bring their newborn’s home. Some of them are physical ways that he can help, but some are ways to help emotionally.
How Dads Can Help a New Mom
Tell her she’s doing a great job – mom needs to be told she is doing a great job. They are often doubting themselves and unsure of whether they are doing anything right. She needs to be encouraged and told she is doing a great job
Tell her that you are proud of her.
Tell her how much you love her and that she is beautiful – moms often loose their self esteem after having a baby
Ensure that she eats enough, which which helps with milk production, and make her snacks and meals – if dad needs to go back to work soon after birth, prepare some snacks and food for her to eat while you are gone. Also pick up food on the way home or ensure dinner is prepared for her
Let her vent to you – if she wants to talk about her labour and birth, let her talk about it as much as she needs.
Listen to her – being a good listener is vital. Listen to how she is feeling about different aspects of what she is going through
Be patient with her, and do NOT try to “fix” her - remember her hormones are all over the place and she is still recovering from a huge life event, as well as running on little sleep. She is going through a lot. Let her cry and be emotion and be there to comfort her and be a shoulder for her to cry on.
Encourage her to seek support with other mothers in the community and check in with her regularly to see if she feels she is coping well with the transition into motherhood – if she appears to be struggling with becoming a new mom, or struggling with breastfeeding, encourage her to speak to a professional
Send her out for a haircut, color, or blowout so she can feel a bit more refreshed and more like herself, or to have a manicure and pedicure
Don’t get upset if the house is messier than usual – pitch in and tidy up if things are piling up.
Do NOT pressure her for sex or any sexual acts – remember her body is healing and she is not necessarily feeling sexy. Intimacy will return but don’t rush her. Pressurizing her may push her away further
Buy her some flowers to brighten her day or get her a present for no reason.
Let her take over the remote control.
Send her out to buy a new outfit or two – after having a baby, her old clothes won’t fit yet, and she doesn’t want to have to keep wearing maternity clothes
Things Dad Can Do When She’s Breastfeeding
Make sure she has a breastfeeding pillow and everything she needs to breastfeed is close by.
Bring her a glass of water – she always needs to stay hydrated.
Make her a light snack to eat while breastfeeding
Just know that being at home alone all day without any breaks with a baby is an extremely tiring and intense role. It may seem like she is hardly doing anything or nothing at all since she may still be in her pajamas, and not a single thing has changed since you left. However, tending to a baby all day requires a great deal of emotional and physical work. Not to mention, she has no breaks.
She may also feel isolated at times, especially when baby is crying and nothing is working. That usually results in an emotional mama. Offering emotional and physical help allows her to heal and recharge , and become a better mother to baby and partner to you. It certainly makes mothering MUCH easier when mothers feel that they are being taken care of too.
Things Dads Can Do With Baby
Make sure you learn how to bath baby and change diapers – even those poopy diapers – moms love it when dads take over specific jobs. Many dads do the nightly bath time routine. This is the perfect father baby bonding time. This will also give mom some time to herself
Take over some of the feedings - After baby is 6wks old, Dad can take over a night feeding occasionally so mom can get some sleep. Or he can bring baby to mom if she is breastfeeding. He could also maybe feed baby for mom before he goes to work, so mom can sleep in
When baby is crying, dad can try to soothe baby himself so mom can have a break and won’t get overwhelmed or flustered with always being the one to soothe baby.
Take baby out for a walk so mom can have some quiet time.
If you have other children, help look after them so mom can have quality time with the new baby and adjust to life with a newborn again – this applies to other children as well – all need equal one on one time with both parents
Things Dads Can Do In The House
If in the budget, hire a housekeeper, regularly
If that is out of the budget, help clean the house yourself.
Help with the laundry.
Take charge of making sure visitors don’t outstay their welcome or show up at inconvenient hours.
Take over some of the household responsibilities. - i.e., paying bills, organizing “thank you” notes, making appointments, etc.
Take over the grocery shopping or watch the baby while she goes out to get some alone time while getting the groceries.
A huge thing for dad to remember is if they see something that needs to be done, don’t leave it or wait to be asked to do it. Make a conscious effort each day to check to see if there’s anything he can help with and do it.
Dads have a lot going on to, but there are little things he can do that will help mom.
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